Joke # 173

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Joke # 172

Things you Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery,
Damn. Page 39 of our manual is missing.

Joke # 171

Things you Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery,
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

Joke # 170

The best thing about being a schizophrenic is that your never alone.

Joke # 169

Things you Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery:
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Joke # 168

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

Joke # 167

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"
"It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far…ten gallons."

Joke # 166

Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!

Joke # 165

Computers are like women:
Only the creator has enough paitence to understand their internal logic.

Joke # 164

Things you Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery,You know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Joke # 163

Things you don’t want to hear your Doctor say during surgery,
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

Joke # 162

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?
That you kill me first.

Joke# 161

Things you don’t want to hear your Doctor say during surgery, OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Joke # 160

Things you don’t want to wake up and hear during surgery-Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Joke # 159

Something you don't want to wake up in surgery and hear your Doctor say_
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?

Joke # 158

Things you don’t want to hear your surgeon say during surgery,
Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Joke#157

The telemarketer said send $10.00 and I will send you the best tip for for the softest hands ever girls.
This was the tip he sent to everyone who sent him the ten dollars: While your mother is laying down resting, you should wash the dishes at least three times a day!

Joke # 156

The native of the village pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:
Those two are the Duckberk twins, ninety-eight year old!" The
visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable
citizens attributed their long life.

It's kind of which and the other," the native confessed. "Obadiah
declares its all along because of his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in and day out, for nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has his health becase he never touched the filthy weed. Go figure!!!

Joke # 155

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and
she offered as a convincing argument:
"You know crying makes little girls ugly."
The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then
remarked:
"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

Joke # 154

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, please stop that organ from beating; it's messing up my concentration.

Joke # 153

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, okay, by the looks of this it's going to be an experiment for all of us.

Joke # 152

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, nurse, unzip the bag on that fellow, he's still moving.

Joke # 151

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, let's hurry up, I don't want to miss "Heroes".

Joke # 150

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, That laughing gas is great for a chuckle. Maybe we should inhale a little bit more.

Joke # 149

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, hey people, there's big money in kidneys you know, this damn guy's got two of them.

Joke # 148

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, what the heck, he's not here for a sex change operation.

Joke # 147

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, wait just a second, if this is his liver, then what the heck is that?

Joke # 146

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, we better save that part. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Joke # 145

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, I can't seem to remember how they did this on ER last week.

Joke # 144

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, wow, take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Joke # 143

Stuff you don’t want to hear your doctor saying during surgery, That was a wicked party last night, I can’t remember ever being that drunk before.

Joke # 142

A Newfie goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The Newfie complains, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
The receptionist asks, Have you seen a doctor? No, just spots, the Newfie replies.

Joke # 141

A man applied for a job as a C.I.A. spy. With several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. When the man was alone, he opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

Joke # 140

Human Resources Department to job applicant, "I see you've had no computer training. Although that might qualify you for upper management, it means you're way too under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Joke # 139

Computers are like men, they hear everything you say, nothing that you mean.

Joke # 138

A father and a son were patiently standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. The father tells his son, "If we stand around here long enough son one of those elephants will throw some food at us."

Joke # 137

A Newfoundlander was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered yes to the previous question, was "Why?" The Newfoundlander answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Joke # 136

Computers are like women, no sooner than making a commitment to one, your spending half your paycheck buying accessories for it.

Joke # 135

Computers are like women, the creator is the only one who understands their internal logic.

Joke # 134

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I Just did, you stupid a**hole!

Joke # 133

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he rambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
What did you do that for?, Asked a passing giraffe.
Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.
Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
Yes, turtle recall, replied the elephant.

Joke # 132

Computers are like men, they hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Joke # 131

Computers are like women, you do the same thing for years, then suddenly it’s wrong.

Joke # 130

Computers are like women, your smallest mistakes will be stored in long term memory for later punishment.

Joke # 129

"Guess what I got for my mother for Christmas? An electric broom!" said the wife.
"Why?" said the husband. "So she can get here faster?"

Joke # 128

One Friday, two Newfie women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the know it all with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

Joke # 127

It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must buy a round of drinks. One of the members, a Cape Bretoner presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug upward.
"Excellent!" a Newfie laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to reach the bottom?"
"That," said the Caper with a grin, "is your question."

Joke # 126

The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the room:
"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Empire State Building?"
Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The inventor of the puzzle beamed.
"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk."
"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the Empire State Building?"
"The Empire State Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."

Joke # 125

During prohibition the rich wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk indeed, and must be fired instantly.
"Fired, nothing!" her husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered up, I'll have him take me out and show me where he gets it."

Joke # 124

Before prohibition was enacted in the United States one wise objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:
"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."
"You are raving mad," declared the defender of prohibition.
"How in hell do you make that out to be fact?"
The reply, "Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."

Joke # 123

"Are you sure this handbag is genuine alligator skin?" the woman asked The Newfoundland shopkeeper.
"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that alligator myself when I was in Florida."
"But it is badly soiled," said the woman
"Well, yes, of course, replied the Newfoundlander. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out of the tree."

Joke # 122

The newly arrived miner in the Newfoundland mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a Newfie beside him. The latter looked perplexed for a second or two then said,
"What of it?" "Wasn't it his deal?"

Joke # 121

The society matron explained, before Congress, the necessity for immediate reform in conditions in our country’s prisons .
"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more pleasant and elegant."

Joke # 120

Little Johnny was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them up. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself:
"It's pretty near time for me to get a licking', I guess I'd better sit
in it."

Joke #119

The playwright rushed up to the overly sarcastic critic at the club. "I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the critic.

Joke # 118

The Newfie lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was thrown by the impact.
"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.
"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer sarcastically. "How does that happen?"
"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I
measured the distance."

Joke # 117

As the boat was sinking, the skipper shouted,
"Does anybody know how to pray?"
One man spoke confidently in answer:
"Yes, Captain, I do."
The captain nodded.
"That's okay then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
of us will put on life-jackets. We're one short."

Joke # 116

One Newfie workman was overheard talking to another:
"I'se your friend'. I jest told the fohman, when he say dat Newfie Ed ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' told him you surely is!"

Joke # 115

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the newspaper with a plea.
"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."
The father, aroused from his absorption in political news, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.
"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."

Harry Potter Meets The Simpsons

For a Little Something Different. Laugh Video 1 From YouTube.

Joke # 114

The man sitting on the bus addressed the woman standing before him:
"You must excuse my not giving you my seat, I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."
"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring, I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."
She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.
"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."

Joke # 113

Little Johnny questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
"Don't say 'ain't', Johnny," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"
"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?" "Don't say 'ain't', Johnny. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"
"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam teeth out."

Joke # 112

A famous preacher was preaching one Sunday in the summer time and observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever with his sermon. It went like this,
"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of their foreheads." The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. Everybody was now wide-awake. He remarked, "Behold how strange! A few minutes ago, when I was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now when I told you a whopping lie, you are suddenly all wide-awake."

Joke # 111

The great boxer was very superstitious and also loved lobster. When the waiter served the boxer a lobster with only one claw, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had lost in a fight with another lobster in the kitchen. The great boxer pushed back his plate and said,
"Carry that loser off and bring me the winner."

Joke # 110

The mourning widow caused her dead husband to roll over in his grave by having this chiselled on the headstone of her husband's grave,
"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."

Joke # 109

The old Newfie shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.
"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn around and come back."

Joke # 108

The father was telling a story at the dinner table of a fight between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting at the other man, "I'll knock your brains out!"
"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I
stepped in between them."
Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Then, he
burst forth with the following statement:
"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pop?"

Joke # 107

The optimist fell from the top of a 100 story skyscraper. After he passed the 50th story, he was overheard muttering:
"So far, so good!"

Joke # 106

The grief stricken man sent the following e-mail to his boss to announce the death of his mother: "Regret to announce that the hand that rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket."

Joke # 105

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired of his new patient. "What is it?"
The suffering man answered: "I dream that I'm married doc."
"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"
"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a nightmare."

Joke # 104

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied gingerly:
"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
"If you ain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't worth hearing'."

Joke # 103

The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her new surroundings, but the mother comforted her, saying:
"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."
A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the room.
"The angels are buzzing all around my head just awful, mom, and they bite like crazy!"

Joke # 102

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
The salesman awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter. The little man was in a highly dishevelled state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the furious traveling salesman, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and muttered:
"Now, I surely wonder who the hell I put off at Cleveland."

Joke # 101

Love may-be blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Joke # 100

The unhappy businessman explained the cause of his embarrassment: "I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this:
"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."

Joke # 99

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the self centered young woman to her most intimate confidante.
"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll just tell me how many men you're going to marry."

Joke # 98

The tender young mother caught her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon him the enormity of his offense.
"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who tell lies?"
The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained carefully:
"Why, a great big red monster, with horns on his head and one eye in the center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has told a lie, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another lie, will you, darling? It's wicked!"
The little boy regarded the his mom with round-eyed admiration.
"Oh, mama," he gurgled, "what a whopper that was!"

Joke # 97

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.
The hungry man replied, sarcastically, "Just luck, I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

Joke # 96

The famous philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love, "Life is just one fool thing after another, love is just two fool things after each other."

Joke # 95

The nosey bus passenger was inquiring his seatmate on the fact that
He had his right arm in a sling, and asked him,
"You broke your arm, didn't you?"
"Well, yes, I did."
"Had an accident, I suppose?"
"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."
"My lord! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the back for?"
"Just for minding my own business."

Joke # 94

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job, your truck and your wife back.

Joke # 93

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her friend. Her
mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Nicky’s hair.
I shouldn't be surprised, the child replied, smiling. But, she added
proudly, kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea.

Joke # 92

Said one old soldier to another:
That's a beautiful smoking pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?
It was personal property of a enemy soldier that tried to take me prisoner, Bill answered. Inherited it from him.

Joke # 91

The woman of the rustic old home apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the young boy’s thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked: You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?
The young boy replied with a flush of pride:
In the rat-trap sir.

Joke # 90

Ed the newfie was set to work with the circular saw during his first day on the job at the saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the novice newfie, and, on turning, he saw that Ed had already lost a finger.
Now, how in hell did that happen? the foreman demanded.
Sure, was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this when, ouch, bejabers, there's another one gone!"

Joke # 89

The newly married couple were staying at a bed and breakfast in Maine. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily. "I'm back, honey, let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there was no answer in return to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again, "Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!" Thereupon a very cold masculine voice from another guest sounded through the door, "Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"

Joke # 88

The school administration were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The new Newfoundland teacher of that subject protested earnestly. "But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the School administration declared. The new young Newfie teacher shook her head, and spoke firmly:
"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very difficult subject, and most perplexing."

Joke # 87

The Newfoundlander made a desperate run for the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for about a minute. At last he sat up feebly, and stared over the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
"Holy crap!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump that was!"

Joke # 86

The woman, who had a turned up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously,
"He looks just like his mother."

Joke# 85

The young man at the party turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him and said, "Women are so fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling and flirting with me a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."
"I have just arrived," the older man said. "She’s my wife."

Joke # 84

The new priest in the Newfoundland parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practice it too!"

Joke # 83

The priest was calling on a parishioner, when the youthful son approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank back in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:
"Oh, it's dead all right, mom. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."
The young boy’s eyes fell on the priest, and he felt that something more was due to that holy presence. So he continued in a tone of seriousness,
"Yes, we beat it and beat it until, until, God called it home!"

Joke # 82

In days long past the young Newfoundland mother asked the man who delivered her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasantly when he said he did.
"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
day. I think cow's milk is too strong for me baby."

Joke #81

The vacationer stopped into a cheap restaurant in a small Newfoundland village and tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.
"Awful rainy spell the last week or so around these parts, kinda like the flood."
"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.
"The flood, you know , Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."
The Newfoundlander bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:
"Sorry, I ain't read to-day's paper yet."

Joke # 80

A well known politician was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that ran out in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog's owner was deeply grieved, and more deeply angry. As the politician attempted to soothe the grieving woman, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means nice. When, at last, she paused for breath, the politician tried again to soothe her, saying: "Madam, I will be glad to replace your dog."The angry woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the politician with supreme scorn, and hissed,
"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

Joke # 79

The prominent businessman was giving a speech.
"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."
"And the next thing," someone shouted out, "is to give it to them."
The businessman shook his head contemptuously.
"No, no, to corner the market."

Joke # 78

The successful CEO snorted contemptuously.
"Money! shoot! there are a million ways of making money."
"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
"And what way is that?" the CEO demanded.
"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

Joke # 77

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the Queen. He proudly wrote a notice, on theblackboard in his class-room: "Professor Blair informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth ."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:
"God save the Queen."

Joke # 76

A well-to-do Newfoundlander suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician from his home town. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a doctor from St. Johns. The new physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
"I dunno, sir," he declared, "I certainly dunno. All I've missed so far
is me watch."

Joke #75

Question: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
Answer: Both could have stayed in bed.

Joke # 74

Computers are like men, they contain a lot of data but are still clueless.

Joke # 73

Job interviewer to job applicant: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Joke # 72

When the Newfoundlander’s daughter returned from the girls' college, the Newfie regarded her critically, and then asked her,
"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was girl?"
"Yes, dad," the girl replied. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
stripped down for gym."
The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted,
"Who in thundering blazes is Jim?"

Joke # 71

The baby pulled her brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the crying boy: There, there Johnny, "Of course, she doesn't know how badly that hurts." Then she left the room.
She hurried back quickly on hearing frantic crying from the baby.
"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.
"Nothing at all, Johnny replied contentedly. "Only now she knows.

Joke # 70

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged maid as follows:
"Marci McFly has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
maid, but I could not afford to make use of her services any longer."
The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the final clause.
"But it's true," the wife answered. "The stuff she smashed around here cost double her wages."

Joke # 69

A Newfoundlander tried to join one of the Toronto churches that is notorious for its exclusiveness. He promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
make it the subject of prayers for guidance.

The following day, the Newfoundlander encountered the minister.
Ah done prayed, sir he declared, beaming and the good Lord did answer me last night!

And what did the good Lord say to you?, inquired the puzzled priest.

Well sir, the Lord asked me what church I wanted to join and I told him it was your church sir. The good Lord laughed and laughed and He says to me, you can’t get in there. I should know, said the good Lord, I’ve been trying to get in that there church for ten years now and I couldn’t get in myself.

Joke # 68

One Japanese Geisha said to another that she had made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section of the fan and using that section for five years, then the next section and so on.
The other Japanese Geisha retorted with indignation at her.
What waste, she exclaimed, I was better taught. I make one fan last a lifetime. I open it wide and hold it motionless under my nose. Then I wave my head back and forth.

Joke # 67

Computers are like women,
As soon as you commit to one, along comes a better model.

Joke #66

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your places aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be a billionaire soaking up the sun!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF, he was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and Poof, the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their places in heaven were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is laying on the beach on the French Rivera , and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Buffalo!"

Joke # 65

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Joke # 64

You seem to be in some distress, said the kindly judge to the witness. Is anything wrong?
Well, your Honour, said the witness, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.

Joke # 63

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
“ That's amazing!" the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that fourth day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Joke # 62

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Joke # 61

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the May Day dance.
"No, I ain't going," was the reply.
The teacher corrected the child:
"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"
And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
say all that?"
The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going to the dance."

Joke # 60

The aristocratic Englishman Robert Johnston-Brown plays golf so badly that he prefers to play a solitary round with only the caddy present.
He had a new caddy recently, and played a round as wretchedly as usual.
"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response from his young caddy. "From what the other caddies were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be twice as bad as you are sir.
"What's his name?" asked the Englishman hopefully.
The young caddy replied:
Robert Johnston-Brown.

Joke # 59

A great arctic explorer was giving a speech concerning his experiences at a reception in his honour upon his return from the bitterly cold north.
He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if not for the dogs giving out at a critical time.
A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
comment as the speaker paused:
"But I thought those husky dogs were actually tireless."
The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat several times before answering.
"I was speaking," he extrapolated , "in a, er, culinary sense."

Joke # 58

Wife: "Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on an amount of cash that would keep a man looking shabby."
Husband: "That's right. The amount you dress on keeps me looking shabby."

Joke # 57

The passenger was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
to the conductor:
"Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the calm reply, "but I have to stay onboard."

Joke # 56

The old soldier was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman,
notorious for his excessive drinking habits.
"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk one night, it took three hotel staffers to put me to bed."

Joke # 55

Two old friends bump into each other in the street and one inquires of the other, Lucy, do you and your husband Frank quarrel as much as you used too?
No never, was her reply.
That is so nice to hear. I am surely glad of that Lucy, are you?
I surely am Maude, said Lucy.
So what was it , Lucy, that made you two stop quarrelling so much?, asked Maude.
Lucy’s explanation was short and to the point:
Frank died.

Joke # 54

An old mans lament after his beloved dog died:
"You were only a dog, but I wish I were you. When you go to your bed to sleep you just turn around three times and lie down. When I go to bed , I have to lock up the place, and set my alarm clock, and put out the cat, and undress myself, and my wife wakes up and scolds me, and then the baby wakes up and cries, and I have to walk him around the house , and then maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.
"When you get up you just stretch yourself, scratch your neck a little, and you are up. I have to light the fire, put on the kettle, cook some breakfast for my wife and I. You lay around all day and have plenty of fun. I have to work all day and have plenty of trouble. When you die, you are dead. When I die, I have to go somewhere again."

Joke # 53

The Professor teaching at the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
the other." He asked one of his students:
"Now, Johnny, what would you do in such a case?"
Young Johnny pondered the question earnestly and replied with: conviction:
"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

Joke # 52

The child ran to his mother in tears.
Oh, mom," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the fireplace."
"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled him. "But how ever did you come to break it?"
"I was pounding it with Dad’s watch?"

Joke # 51

"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a less than humble tone.
"Yes," indeed his wife snapped, " in your opinion your faults are better than other peoples virtues."

Joke # 50

Jack had been seeing a psychiatrist for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychiatrist and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Jack's former psychiatrist meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Jack says, "It's a miracle! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychiatrist says. "you seem to be doing much better. What did you do?"
"I went to see another doctor," Jack says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychiatrist asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Jack, "my new doctor is a behaviourist."
"A behaviourist?" the psychiatrist asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He just told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

Joke# 49

A psychiatrist whispered to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Stop saying 'It's like a madhouse around here."

Joke# 48

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city late in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs some serious help."

Joke # 47

Computers are like women, as soon as you make a commitment to one, your spending half your paycheck buying accessories for it.

Joke # 46

Computers are like men, they contain a lot of data but are still clueless.

Joke # 45

There was a blonde girl driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde girl was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde girl out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde girl stopped her car, jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

Joke # 44

There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh I will give you $50".
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. He went out in the alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.
Then about a month later the same guy came back into this bar and saw a sign on the door that read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse cry. So he went in to the alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you made my horse laugh and cry. He said, to make him laugh I told him mine penis is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!

Joke # 43

Things you Don’t Want To Hear Your Doctor Saying During Surgery:
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change operation.

Joke # 42

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

Joke # 41

Computers are like women, even your smallest mistakes are stored in in long term memory for later retrieval.

Joke # 40

Computers are like men, they are supposed to solve your problems, but most of the time they are the problem.

Joke # 39

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in ahuff exclaimed:
I'm going home to mother!
The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his wallet.
Here, he said, counting out some bills, is the money for your plane ticket.
The wife took it, and counted it out. Then she faced her husband
mournfully and said:
But there isn't enough here for a return ticket.

Joke # 38

Now, let me see, the man demanded as he asked anacquaintance, "do I owe you anything?
Not a dime, sir," was the reply. "You are going aboutpaying your debts then are you?
No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Can you lend me twenty till Saturday.

Joke # 37

The young lady, who was something of a food connoisseur, was on a vacation visit to a coastal fishing village.
She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
The girl protested: But fish is a brain food, and these folks are the most unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."
Maybe so, the host agreed, but just think what they'd look like if
they didn't eat fish!"

Joke # 36

An artist who was down on his luck had to take a job as a waiter in a very low class restaurant. One day an acquaintance came in to dine and was shocked to find the waiter serving tables.
My goodness man, to find you working in such a place like this, he whispered.
The artist smiled as he replied, Oh yes, but you see I don’t eat here.

Joke # 35

The old farmer and his wife visited the zoo for the first time. When they stopped in front of the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly: That’s one curious fish eh ma?
That ain’t a fish, it’s a reptile.
They began to argue over the fact, if it was a fish or a reptile. It eventually got to the point of violence. The farmers wife began cracking her husband with her umbrella. The old farmer took of running with his wife in hot pursuit. The lion trainer had just opened the lions cage door and the old farmer jumped in side the cage. He hid behind the largest lion and looked over its shoulder fearfully at his enraged wife, who shook her umbrella furiously at him from the other side of the cage bars and shouted, Coward!!!, come out here you Coward!!!

Joke # 34

The new army recruit complained to his sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.
You should have more sense, than to scratch your head, was the sergeant’s reply.

Joke #33

What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Joke #32

The teacher asked little Johnny:_ In what battle was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden Slain.
Little Johnny replied: I'm pretty sure it was the last one.

Joke # 31

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Joke # 30

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of the nature of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps you should start at the very beginning.”
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth."

Joke # 29

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. The lion kept roaring and roaring until a hunter came along and shot him.
So, if you to are full of bull, keep your damn mouth shut.

Joke # 28

A Cape Bretoner, vacationing in Texas, was getting peeved of at all the tall tales he was being told so he decided to embellish a little too.
Upon sitting down in a restaurant and summoning a waiter the Cape Bretoner promptly ordered a Capers breakfast.
And what would that consist of sir, the waiter inquired.
Bring me a big steak, a 40 ouncer of Canadian Club whiskey and a bulldog.
But what pray-tell is the bulldog for, stammered the puzzled waiter.
Why to eat the steak of course, chuckled the smiling Caper.

Joke # 27

Two ladies in a Via rail car argued loudly concerning opening and closing of the window, and at last called the porter as a referee.
"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."
"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate and die." The two glared at each other. The porter was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a wise, slightly inebriated man with a red nose who sat nearby. He said to the porter, "First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have some peace."

Joke # 26

A gentleman strolling alongside the rocks, enjoying the ocean view, observed an old Newfie fisherman and a young boy fishing.
A moment later he heard a splash. The boy had fallen into the water. The old fisherman however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood, the young victim on his head, and it was at this moment that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of admiration for the prompt rescue.
"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."
The old fisherman answered with an amiable grin:
"Ok, tank you sir. I’s sure don’t know nuttin bout maga-minnyte, but I just had to git the youngin outta the water. He had al da bait in his pocket.

Joke # 25

Two Newfies stitting in a bar see a real skinny man walk by the window. One Newfie remarks to the other, You’re thin b’y, I’m thin to b’y, but that guy just walked by is as thin as the two of us put together.

Joke # 24

Three Newfoundland thieves jumped a poor Cape Bretoner visiting St. John’s. The Cape Bretoner fought them desperately and managed to inflict serious injuries upon them. When the Newfies finally subdued him, all they found in his wallet was a five dollar bill. One of the Newfies sadly remarked, If he’d had a twenty he woulda probably killed the three of us.

Joke # 23

British Parliament Antics:
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Joke # 22

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Joke # 21

Little Johnny was always getting in trouble for being late getting to school. Friday he comes running in to his classroom a half hour late all out of breath. Mrs. Jones, I’m sorry I’m late again but my friend Jimmy got hurt on the way to school this morning. Oh my, said Johnnies teacher is he alright. No Mrs., he was taken to the hospital. What happened Johnny, Mrs. Jones asked him. Well we were walking on old man Martin’s picket fence and Jimmy slipped and drove one of the pickets up his arse. That’s rectum Johnny, said the teacher. Looking a little puzzled Johnny said, Wrecked him? Damn near killed him.

E-mail your favorite joke(s) to me

999,980 jokes to go.

If you want to help me out send a favorite joke or two to u.jburns63@gmail.com
Please keep them relatively clean , non-racial, and or expressing hatred towards any social, religious or minority group. I will have final say whether or not I post the jokes on my blog.
Please enter joke in subject line.

Joke # 20

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Joke # 19

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Joke # 18

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

Joke # 17

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Joke # 16

Pat and Mike are slumming around the country side looking for work. Not finding any work the first day they camp out in a small clearing, All they have to eat is two cans of beans, which they promptly eat. So the next day their trudging along the old country road stopping at all the farms they come to and asking the owners if any one of them has any work for them. But no one does.
Evening darkness creeps upon them and they decide to settle down in a field for the night. Just then the air becomes chilled and a lighting bolt lights up the sky quickly followed by a huge thunder clap and then teeming rain. Pat says, Mike we got to find cover somewhere from this storm. Yes Pat we certainly do. So they make it back to the road and start running, looking for a place to wait out the storm. They see a house with the porch light on and make a mad dash for it. Pat knocks on the door and a sweet little old lady opens the door. Oh dear me you boys look so cold and wet. Would you like to come in out of the rain. Yes mame we sure would says Pat.
So in to the house they go, kicking off their boots and hanging up their coats in the porch. By the way would any of you two fine gentlemen know how to play the piano. By now they are in the living room where a fireplace gently crackles, casting a warm shadowy light on the grand piano majestically sitting in the room. Pat stammers, then Mike speaks up quickly saying, yes mame, I play a little. Oh goody she says, by all means then play us a tune.
Now Pat sits down in a huge comfy chair and sternly looks at Mike because he knows Mike cant play a piano worth a lick. Now Pat and Mike both have gas from the beans they ate the day before,Pat’s are silent but Mike’s are quite loud. So every time Mike would fart he would pound out something on the keys by striking them hard and fast so the little old lady wouldn’t hear him. After about fifteen minutes of farting and banging on the piano keys like a mad man the stink in the room was getting unbearable for the sweet old lady. Finally after another five minutes she jumped up from her chair and asked Mike what tune was he playing. Mike trying to be coy said Mame, I’m playing the storm. In that case then, the sweet old lady said: Mike for God’s sake please leave out the part where the lighting strikes the outhouse.

Joke # 15

How do you get a Newfie out of the tub? Throw in a cake of soap.

Joke # 14

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I will not be surprised if this tree gives you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I will not be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

Joke # 13

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Homer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Homer wandered over to the diner where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was over-joyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Joke # 12

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Joke # 11

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Joke # 10

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Joke # 9

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Joke # 8

Computers are like men:
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

Only 999,993 jokes to go!

Joke # 7

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with one of her school mates . Her
mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair.
I shouldn't be surprised, the child replied musingly. But, she added
proudly, kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea.

Joke # 6

Neighbour: I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

Farmer: Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
working the whole week he was here."

Joke # 5

What true friendship consists of depends on the temperament of the man
who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Jones, who
died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Mr. Tightwad was much
affected.You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked Tightwad.

Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true
friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough
he was starving to death.

Joke # 4

Another setback for World Bank president, Paul Wolfowitz's girlfriend Shaha Riza announced that she was resigning as Mr. Wolfowitz's girlfriend, effective immediately.

Joke # 3

Salesman:Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
fool-proof.

Housewife: No doubt, to the ordinary man. But you
don't know my husband.

Joke # 2

This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense.Why do you say so?
Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

Joke # 1

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.