Joke # 91

The woman of the rustic old home apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the young boy’s thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked: You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?
The young boy replied with a flush of pride:
In the rat-trap sir.

Joke # 90

Ed the newfie was set to work with the circular saw during his first day on the job at the saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the novice newfie, and, on turning, he saw that Ed had already lost a finger.
Now, how in hell did that happen? the foreman demanded.
Sure, was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this when, ouch, bejabers, there's another one gone!"

Joke # 89

The newly married couple were staying at a bed and breakfast in Maine. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily. "I'm back, honey, let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there was no answer in return to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again, "Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!" Thereupon a very cold masculine voice from another guest sounded through the door, "Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"

Joke # 88

The school administration were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The new Newfoundland teacher of that subject protested earnestly. "But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the School administration declared. The new young Newfie teacher shook her head, and spoke firmly:
"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very difficult subject, and most perplexing."

Joke # 87

The Newfoundlander made a desperate run for the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for about a minute. At last he sat up feebly, and stared over the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
"Holy crap!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump that was!"

Joke # 86

The woman, who had a turned up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously,
"He looks just like his mother."

Joke# 85

The young man at the party turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him and said, "Women are so fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling and flirting with me a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."
"I have just arrived," the older man said. "She’s my wife."

Joke # 84

The new priest in the Newfoundland parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practice it too!"

Joke # 83

The priest was calling on a parishioner, when the youthful son approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank back in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:
"Oh, it's dead all right, mom. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."
The young boy’s eyes fell on the priest, and he felt that something more was due to that holy presence. So he continued in a tone of seriousness,
"Yes, we beat it and beat it until, until, God called it home!"

Joke # 82

In days long past the young Newfoundland mother asked the man who delivered her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasantly when he said he did.
"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
day. I think cow's milk is too strong for me baby."

Joke #81

The vacationer stopped into a cheap restaurant in a small Newfoundland village and tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.
"Awful rainy spell the last week or so around these parts, kinda like the flood."
"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.
"The flood, you know , Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."
The Newfoundlander bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:
"Sorry, I ain't read to-day's paper yet."

Joke # 80

A well known politician was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that ran out in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog's owner was deeply grieved, and more deeply angry. As the politician attempted to soothe the grieving woman, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means nice. When, at last, she paused for breath, the politician tried again to soothe her, saying: "Madam, I will be glad to replace your dog."The angry woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the politician with supreme scorn, and hissed,
"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

Joke # 79

The prominent businessman was giving a speech.
"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."
"And the next thing," someone shouted out, "is to give it to them."
The businessman shook his head contemptuously.
"No, no, to corner the market."

Joke # 78

The successful CEO snorted contemptuously.
"Money! shoot! there are a million ways of making money."
"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
"And what way is that?" the CEO demanded.
"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

Joke # 77

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the Queen. He proudly wrote a notice, on theblackboard in his class-room: "Professor Blair informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth ."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:
"God save the Queen."

Joke # 76

A well-to-do Newfoundlander suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician from his home town. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a doctor from St. Johns. The new physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
"I dunno, sir," he declared, "I certainly dunno. All I've missed so far
is me watch."

Joke #75

Question: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
Answer: Both could have stayed in bed.

Joke # 74

Computers are like men, they contain a lot of data but are still clueless.

Joke # 73

Job interviewer to job applicant: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Joke # 72

When the Newfoundlander’s daughter returned from the girls' college, the Newfie regarded her critically, and then asked her,
"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was girl?"
"Yes, dad," the girl replied. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
stripped down for gym."
The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted,
"Who in thundering blazes is Jim?"

Joke # 71

The baby pulled her brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the crying boy: There, there Johnny, "Of course, she doesn't know how badly that hurts." Then she left the room.
She hurried back quickly on hearing frantic crying from the baby.
"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.
"Nothing at all, Johnny replied contentedly. "Only now she knows.

Joke # 70

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged maid as follows:
"Marci McFly has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
maid, but I could not afford to make use of her services any longer."
The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the final clause.
"But it's true," the wife answered. "The stuff she smashed around here cost double her wages."

Joke # 69

A Newfoundlander tried to join one of the Toronto churches that is notorious for its exclusiveness. He promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
make it the subject of prayers for guidance.

The following day, the Newfoundlander encountered the minister.
Ah done prayed, sir he declared, beaming and the good Lord did answer me last night!

And what did the good Lord say to you?, inquired the puzzled priest.

Well sir, the Lord asked me what church I wanted to join and I told him it was your church sir. The good Lord laughed and laughed and He says to me, you can’t get in there. I should know, said the good Lord, I’ve been trying to get in that there church for ten years now and I couldn’t get in myself.

Joke # 68

One Japanese Geisha said to another that she had made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section of the fan and using that section for five years, then the next section and so on.
The other Japanese Geisha retorted with indignation at her.
What waste, she exclaimed, I was better taught. I make one fan last a lifetime. I open it wide and hold it motionless under my nose. Then I wave my head back and forth.

Joke # 67

Computers are like women,
As soon as you commit to one, along comes a better model.

Joke #66

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your places aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be a billionaire soaking up the sun!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF, he was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and Poof, the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their places in heaven were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is laying on the beach on the French Rivera , and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Buffalo!"

Joke # 65

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Joke # 64

You seem to be in some distress, said the kindly judge to the witness. Is anything wrong?
Well, your Honour, said the witness, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.

Joke # 63

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
“ That's amazing!" the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that fourth day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Joke # 62

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Joke # 61

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the May Day dance.
"No, I ain't going," was the reply.
The teacher corrected the child:
"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"
And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
say all that?"
The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.
"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going to the dance."

Joke # 60

The aristocratic Englishman Robert Johnston-Brown plays golf so badly that he prefers to play a solitary round with only the caddy present.
He had a new caddy recently, and played a round as wretchedly as usual.
"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response from his young caddy. "From what the other caddies were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be twice as bad as you are sir.
"What's his name?" asked the Englishman hopefully.
The young caddy replied:
Robert Johnston-Brown.

Joke # 59

A great arctic explorer was giving a speech concerning his experiences at a reception in his honour upon his return from the bitterly cold north.
He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if not for the dogs giving out at a critical time.
A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
comment as the speaker paused:
"But I thought those husky dogs were actually tireless."
The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat several times before answering.
"I was speaking," he extrapolated , "in a, er, culinary sense."

Joke # 58

Wife: "Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on an amount of cash that would keep a man looking shabby."
Husband: "That's right. The amount you dress on keeps me looking shabby."

Joke # 57

The passenger was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
to the conductor:
"Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the calm reply, "but I have to stay onboard."

Joke # 56

The old soldier was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman,
notorious for his excessive drinking habits.
"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk one night, it took three hotel staffers to put me to bed."

Joke # 55

Two old friends bump into each other in the street and one inquires of the other, Lucy, do you and your husband Frank quarrel as much as you used too?
No never, was her reply.
That is so nice to hear. I am surely glad of that Lucy, are you?
I surely am Maude, said Lucy.
So what was it , Lucy, that made you two stop quarrelling so much?, asked Maude.
Lucy’s explanation was short and to the point:
Frank died.

Joke # 54

An old mans lament after his beloved dog died:
"You were only a dog, but I wish I were you. When you go to your bed to sleep you just turn around three times and lie down. When I go to bed , I have to lock up the place, and set my alarm clock, and put out the cat, and undress myself, and my wife wakes up and scolds me, and then the baby wakes up and cries, and I have to walk him around the house , and then maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.
"When you get up you just stretch yourself, scratch your neck a little, and you are up. I have to light the fire, put on the kettle, cook some breakfast for my wife and I. You lay around all day and have plenty of fun. I have to work all day and have plenty of trouble. When you die, you are dead. When I die, I have to go somewhere again."

Joke # 53

The Professor teaching at the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
the other." He asked one of his students:
"Now, Johnny, what would you do in such a case?"
Young Johnny pondered the question earnestly and replied with: conviction:
"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

Joke # 52

The child ran to his mother in tears.
Oh, mom," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the fireplace."
"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled him. "But how ever did you come to break it?"
"I was pounding it with Dad’s watch?"

Joke # 51

"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a less than humble tone.
"Yes," indeed his wife snapped, " in your opinion your faults are better than other peoples virtues."

Joke # 50

Jack had been seeing a psychiatrist for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychiatrist and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Jack's former psychiatrist meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Jack says, "It's a miracle! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychiatrist says. "you seem to be doing much better. What did you do?"
"I went to see another doctor," Jack says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychiatrist asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Jack, "my new doctor is a behaviourist."
"A behaviourist?" the psychiatrist asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He just told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

Joke# 49

A psychiatrist whispered to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Stop saying 'It's like a madhouse around here."

Joke# 48

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city late in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs some serious help."

Joke # 47

Computers are like women, as soon as you make a commitment to one, your spending half your paycheck buying accessories for it.

Joke # 46

Computers are like men, they contain a lot of data but are still clueless.

Joke # 45

There was a blonde girl driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde girl was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde girl out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde girl stopped her car, jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

Joke # 44

There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh I will give you $50".
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. He went out in the alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.
Then about a month later the same guy came back into this bar and saw a sign on the door that read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse cry. So he went in to the alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you made my horse laugh and cry. He said, to make him laugh I told him mine penis is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!

Joke # 43

Things you Don’t Want To Hear Your Doctor Saying During Surgery:
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change operation.

Joke # 42

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

Joke # 41

Computers are like women, even your smallest mistakes are stored in in long term memory for later retrieval.

Joke # 40

Computers are like men, they are supposed to solve your problems, but most of the time they are the problem.

Joke # 39

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in ahuff exclaimed:
I'm going home to mother!
The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his wallet.
Here, he said, counting out some bills, is the money for your plane ticket.
The wife took it, and counted it out. Then she faced her husband
mournfully and said:
But there isn't enough here for a return ticket.

Joke # 38

Now, let me see, the man demanded as he asked anacquaintance, "do I owe you anything?
Not a dime, sir," was the reply. "You are going aboutpaying your debts then are you?
No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Can you lend me twenty till Saturday.

Joke # 37

The young lady, who was something of a food connoisseur, was on a vacation visit to a coastal fishing village.
She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
The girl protested: But fish is a brain food, and these folks are the most unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."
Maybe so, the host agreed, but just think what they'd look like if
they didn't eat fish!"

Joke # 36

An artist who was down on his luck had to take a job as a waiter in a very low class restaurant. One day an acquaintance came in to dine and was shocked to find the waiter serving tables.
My goodness man, to find you working in such a place like this, he whispered.
The artist smiled as he replied, Oh yes, but you see I don’t eat here.

Joke # 35

The old farmer and his wife visited the zoo for the first time. When they stopped in front of the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly: That’s one curious fish eh ma?
That ain’t a fish, it’s a reptile.
They began to argue over the fact, if it was a fish or a reptile. It eventually got to the point of violence. The farmers wife began cracking her husband with her umbrella. The old farmer took of running with his wife in hot pursuit. The lion trainer had just opened the lions cage door and the old farmer jumped in side the cage. He hid behind the largest lion and looked over its shoulder fearfully at his enraged wife, who shook her umbrella furiously at him from the other side of the cage bars and shouted, Coward!!!, come out here you Coward!!!

Joke # 34

The new army recruit complained to his sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.
You should have more sense, than to scratch your head, was the sergeant’s reply.

Joke #33

What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Joke #32

The teacher asked little Johnny:_ In what battle was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden Slain.
Little Johnny replied: I'm pretty sure it was the last one.

Joke # 31

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

Joke # 30

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
“I’m not aware of the nature of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps you should start at the very beginning.”
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth."

Joke # 29

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. The lion kept roaring and roaring until a hunter came along and shot him.
So, if you to are full of bull, keep your damn mouth shut.

Joke # 28

A Cape Bretoner, vacationing in Texas, was getting peeved of at all the tall tales he was being told so he decided to embellish a little too.
Upon sitting down in a restaurant and summoning a waiter the Cape Bretoner promptly ordered a Capers breakfast.
And what would that consist of sir, the waiter inquired.
Bring me a big steak, a 40 ouncer of Canadian Club whiskey and a bulldog.
But what pray-tell is the bulldog for, stammered the puzzled waiter.
Why to eat the steak of course, chuckled the smiling Caper.

Joke # 27

Two ladies in a Via rail car argued loudly concerning opening and closing of the window, and at last called the porter as a referee.
"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."
"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate and die." The two glared at each other. The porter was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a wise, slightly inebriated man with a red nose who sat nearby. He said to the porter, "First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have some peace."

Joke # 26

A gentleman strolling alongside the rocks, enjoying the ocean view, observed an old Newfie fisherman and a young boy fishing.
A moment later he heard a splash. The boy had fallen into the water. The old fisherman however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood, the young victim on his head, and it was at this moment that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of admiration for the prompt rescue.
"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."
The old fisherman answered with an amiable grin:
"Ok, tank you sir. I’s sure don’t know nuttin bout maga-minnyte, but I just had to git the youngin outta the water. He had al da bait in his pocket.

Joke # 25

Two Newfies stitting in a bar see a real skinny man walk by the window. One Newfie remarks to the other, You’re thin b’y, I’m thin to b’y, but that guy just walked by is as thin as the two of us put together.