Joke # 91

The woman of the rustic old home apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the young boy’s thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then remarked: You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find it?
The young boy replied with a flush of pride:
In the rat-trap sir.

Joke # 90

Ed the newfie was set to work with the circular saw during his first day on the job at the saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the novice newfie, and, on turning, he saw that Ed had already lost a finger.
Now, how in hell did that happen? the foreman demanded.
Sure, was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this when, ouch, bejabers, there's another one gone!"

Joke # 89

The newly married couple were staying at a bed and breakfast in Maine. The bride left the groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition. She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the door, on which she tapped daintily. "I'm back, honey, let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But there was no answer in return to her plea. She knocked a little more firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again, "Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!" Thereupon a very cold masculine voice from another guest sounded through the door, "Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"

Joke # 88

The school administration were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed that history should have the final place. The new Newfoundland teacher of that subject protested earnestly. "But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the School administration declared. The new young Newfie teacher shook her head, and spoke firmly:
"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very difficult subject, and most perplexing."

Joke # 87

The Newfoundlander made a desperate run for the ferry boat as it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned for about a minute. At last he sat up feebly, and stared over the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.
"Holy crap!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump that was!"

Joke # 86

The woman, who had a turned up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to excite the jealousy of her little daughter.
"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child teasingly.
The girl replied, rather maliciously,
"He looks just like his mother."

Joke# 85

The young man at the party turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him and said, "Women are so fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling and flirting with me a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."
"I have just arrived," the older man said. "She’s my wife."

Joke # 84

The new priest in the Newfoundland parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.
"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practice it too!"

Joke # 83

The priest was calling on a parishioner, when the youthful son approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank back in repugnance, he attempted to reassure her:
"Oh, it's dead all right, mom. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."
The young boy’s eyes fell on the priest, and he felt that something more was due to that holy presence. So he continued in a tone of seriousness,
"Yes, we beat it and beat it until, until, God called it home!"

Joke # 82

In days long past the young Newfoundland mother asked the man who delivered her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasantly when he said he did.
"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
day. I think cow's milk is too strong for me baby."

Joke #81

The vacationer stopped into a cheap restaurant in a small Newfoundland village and tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.
"Awful rainy spell the last week or so around these parts, kinda like the flood."
"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.
"The flood, you know , Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."
The Newfoundlander bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:
"Sorry, I ain't read to-day's paper yet."

Joke # 80

A well known politician was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that ran out in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The dead dog's owner was deeply grieved, and more deeply angry. As the politician attempted to soothe the grieving woman, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means nice. When, at last, she paused for breath, the politician tried again to soothe her, saying: "Madam, I will be glad to replace your dog."The angry woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the politician with supreme scorn, and hissed,
"Sir, you flatter yourself!"

Joke # 79

The prominent businessman was giving a speech.
"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people want."
"And the next thing," someone shouted out, "is to give it to them."
The businessman shook his head contemptuously.
"No, no, to corner the market."

Joke # 78

The successful CEO snorted contemptuously.
"Money! shoot! there are a million ways of making money."
"But only one honest way," a listener declared.
"And what way is that?" the CEO demanded.
"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

Joke # 77

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the Queen. He proudly wrote a notice, on theblackboard in his class-room: "Professor Blair informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth ."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:
"God save the Queen."

Joke # 76

A well-to-do Newfoundlander suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician from his home town. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a doctor from St. Johns. The new physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
"I dunno, sir," he declared, "I certainly dunno. All I've missed so far
is me watch."

Joke #75

Question: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
Answer: Both could have stayed in bed.

Joke # 74

Computers are like men, they contain a lot of data but are still clueless.

Joke # 73

Job interviewer to job applicant: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Joke # 72

When the Newfoundlander’s daughter returned from the girls' college, the Newfie regarded her critically, and then asked her,
"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was girl?"
"Yes, dad," the girl replied. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
stripped down for gym."
The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted,
"Who in thundering blazes is Jim?"

Joke # 71

The baby pulled her brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the crying boy: There, there Johnny, "Of course, she doesn't know how badly that hurts." Then she left the room.
She hurried back quickly on hearing frantic crying from the baby.
"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.
"Nothing at all, Johnny replied contentedly. "Only now she knows.

Joke # 70

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged maid as follows:
"Marci McFly has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
maid, but I could not afford to make use of her services any longer."
The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the final clause.
"But it's true," the wife answered. "The stuff she smashed around here cost double her wages."

Joke # 69

A Newfoundlander tried to join one of the Toronto churches that is notorious for its exclusiveness. He promptly told the minister that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
make it the subject of prayers for guidance.

The following day, the Newfoundlander encountered the minister.
Ah done prayed, sir he declared, beaming and the good Lord did answer me last night!

And what did the good Lord say to you?, inquired the puzzled priest.

Well sir, the Lord asked me what church I wanted to join and I told him it was your church sir. The good Lord laughed and laughed and He says to me, you can’t get in there. I should know, said the good Lord, I’ve been trying to get in that there church for ten years now and I couldn’t get in myself.

Joke # 68

One Japanese Geisha said to another that she had made a fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section of the fan and using that section for five years, then the next section and so on.
The other Japanese Geisha retorted with indignation at her.
What waste, she exclaimed, I was better taught. I make one fan last a lifetime. I open it wide and hold it motionless under my nose. Then I wave my head back and forth.

Joke # 67

Computers are like women,
As soon as you commit to one, along comes a better model.