Joke # 122

The newly arrived miner in the Newfoundland mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a Newfie beside him. The latter looked perplexed for a second or two then said,
"What of it?" "Wasn't it his deal?"

Joke # 121

The society matron explained, before Congress, the necessity for immediate reform in conditions in our country’s prisons .
"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more pleasant and elegant."

Joke # 120

Little Johnny was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them up. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself:
"It's pretty near time for me to get a licking', I guess I'd better sit
in it."

Joke #119

The playwright rushed up to the overly sarcastic critic at the club. "I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the critic.

Joke # 118

The Newfie lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was thrown by the impact.
"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.
"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer sarcastically. "How does that happen?"
"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I
measured the distance."

Joke # 117

As the boat was sinking, the skipper shouted,
"Does anybody know how to pray?"
One man spoke confidently in answer:
"Yes, Captain, I do."
The captain nodded.
"That's okay then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest
of us will put on life-jackets. We're one short."

Joke # 116

One Newfie workman was overheard talking to another:
"I'se your friend'. I jest told the fohman, when he say dat Newfie Ed ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' told him you surely is!"

Joke # 115

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the newspaper with a plea.
"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."
The father, aroused from his absorption in political news, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.
"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."

Harry Potter Meets The Simpsons

For a Little Something Different. Laugh Video 1 From YouTube.

Joke # 114

The man sitting on the bus addressed the woman standing before him:
"You must excuse my not giving you my seat, I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."
"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring, I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."
She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.
"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."

Joke # 113

Little Johnny questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness: "Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
"Don't say 'ain't', Johnny," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"
"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?" "Don't say 'ain't', Johnny. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"
"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam teeth out."

Joke # 112

A famous preacher was preaching one Sunday in the summer time and observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident that had no connection whatever with his sermon. It went like this,
"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of their foreheads." The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation. Everybody was now wide-awake. He remarked, "Behold how strange! A few minutes ago, when I was telling you the truth, you went to sleep. But now when I told you a whopping lie, you are suddenly all wide-awake."

Joke # 111

The great boxer was very superstitious and also loved lobster. When the waiter served the boxer a lobster with only one claw, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had lost in a fight with another lobster in the kitchen. The great boxer pushed back his plate and said,
"Carry that loser off and bring me the winner."

Joke # 110

The mourning widow caused her dead husband to roll over in his grave by having this chiselled on the headstone of her husband's grave,
"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."

Joke # 109

The old Newfie shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.
"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn around and come back."

Joke # 108

The father was telling a story at the dinner table of a fight between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting at the other man, "I'll knock your brains out!"
"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I
stepped in between them."
Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Then, he
burst forth with the following statement:
"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pop?"

Joke # 107

The optimist fell from the top of a 100 story skyscraper. After he passed the 50th story, he was overheard muttering:
"So far, so good!"

Joke # 106

The grief stricken man sent the following e-mail to his boss to announce the death of his mother: "Regret to announce that the hand that rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket."

Joke # 105

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired of his new patient. "What is it?"
The suffering man answered: "I dream that I'm married doc."
"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"
"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a nightmare."

Joke # 104

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied gingerly:
"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
"If you ain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't worth hearing'."

Joke # 103

The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her new surroundings, but the mother comforted her, saying:
"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."
A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the room.
"The angels are buzzing all around my head just awful, mom, and they bite like crazy!"

Joke # 102

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
The salesman awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter. The little man was in a highly dishevelled state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the furious traveling salesman, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and muttered:
"Now, I surely wonder who the hell I put off at Cleveland."

Joke # 101

Love may-be blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Joke # 100

The unhappy businessman explained the cause of his embarrassment: "I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this:
"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."

Joke # 99

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the self centered young woman to her most intimate confidante.
"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll just tell me how many men you're going to marry."

Joke # 98

The tender young mother caught her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon him the enormity of his offense.
"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who tell lies?"
The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained carefully:
"Why, a great big red monster, with horns on his head and one eye in the center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has told a lie, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another lie, will you, darling? It's wicked!"
The little boy regarded the his mom with round-eyed admiration.
"Oh, mama," he gurgled, "what a whopper that was!"

Joke # 97

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.
The hungry man replied, sarcastically, "Just luck, I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

Joke # 96

The famous philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and love, "Life is just one fool thing after another, love is just two fool things after each other."

Joke # 95

The nosey bus passenger was inquiring his seatmate on the fact that
He had his right arm in a sling, and asked him,
"You broke your arm, didn't you?"
"Well, yes, I did."
"Had an accident, I suppose?"
"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."
"My lord! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the back for?"
"Just for minding my own business."

Joke # 94

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job, your truck and your wife back.

Joke # 93

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her friend. Her
mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Nicky’s hair.
I shouldn't be surprised, the child replied, smiling. But, she added
proudly, kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea.

Joke # 92

Said one old soldier to another:
That's a beautiful smoking pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?
It was personal property of a enemy soldier that tried to take me prisoner, Bill answered. Inherited it from him.