Joke # 24

Three Newfoundland thieves jumped a poor Cape Bretoner visiting St. John’s. The Cape Bretoner fought them desperately and managed to inflict serious injuries upon them. When the Newfies finally subdued him, all they found in his wallet was a five dollar bill. One of the Newfies sadly remarked, If he’d had a twenty he woulda probably killed the three of us.

Joke # 23

British Parliament Antics:
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Winston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Joke # 22

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Joke # 21

Little Johnny was always getting in trouble for being late getting to school. Friday he comes running in to his classroom a half hour late all out of breath. Mrs. Jones, I’m sorry I’m late again but my friend Jimmy got hurt on the way to school this morning. Oh my, said Johnnies teacher is he alright. No Mrs., he was taken to the hospital. What happened Johnny, Mrs. Jones asked him. Well we were walking on old man Martin’s picket fence and Jimmy slipped and drove one of the pickets up his arse. That’s rectum Johnny, said the teacher. Looking a little puzzled Johnny said, Wrecked him? Damn near killed him.

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Joke # 20

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Joke # 19

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Joke # 18

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

Joke # 17

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Joke # 16

Pat and Mike are slumming around the country side looking for work. Not finding any work the first day they camp out in a small clearing, All they have to eat is two cans of beans, which they promptly eat. So the next day their trudging along the old country road stopping at all the farms they come to and asking the owners if any one of them has any work for them. But no one does.
Evening darkness creeps upon them and they decide to settle down in a field for the night. Just then the air becomes chilled and a lighting bolt lights up the sky quickly followed by a huge thunder clap and then teeming rain. Pat says, Mike we got to find cover somewhere from this storm. Yes Pat we certainly do. So they make it back to the road and start running, looking for a place to wait out the storm. They see a house with the porch light on and make a mad dash for it. Pat knocks on the door and a sweet little old lady opens the door. Oh dear me you boys look so cold and wet. Would you like to come in out of the rain. Yes mame we sure would says Pat.
So in to the house they go, kicking off their boots and hanging up their coats in the porch. By the way would any of you two fine gentlemen know how to play the piano. By now they are in the living room where a fireplace gently crackles, casting a warm shadowy light on the grand piano majestically sitting in the room. Pat stammers, then Mike speaks up quickly saying, yes mame, I play a little. Oh goody she says, by all means then play us a tune.
Now Pat sits down in a huge comfy chair and sternly looks at Mike because he knows Mike cant play a piano worth a lick. Now Pat and Mike both have gas from the beans they ate the day before,Pat’s are silent but Mike’s are quite loud. So every time Mike would fart he would pound out something on the keys by striking them hard and fast so the little old lady wouldn’t hear him. After about fifteen minutes of farting and banging on the piano keys like a mad man the stink in the room was getting unbearable for the sweet old lady. Finally after another five minutes she jumped up from her chair and asked Mike what tune was he playing. Mike trying to be coy said Mame, I’m playing the storm. In that case then, the sweet old lady said: Mike for God’s sake please leave out the part where the lighting strikes the outhouse.

Joke # 15

How do you get a Newfie out of the tub? Throw in a cake of soap.

Joke # 14

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I will not be surprised if this tree gives you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I will not be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

Joke # 13

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Homer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Homer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Homer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Homer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Homer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Homer wandered over to the diner where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Homer was over-joyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Joke # 12

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Joke # 11

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Joke # 10

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Joke # 9

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Joke # 8

Computers are like men:
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

Only 999,993 jokes to go!

Joke # 7

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with one of her school mates . Her
mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:
It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair.
I shouldn't be surprised, the child replied musingly. But, she added
proudly, kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea.

Joke # 6

Neighbour: I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

Farmer: Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was
working the whole week he was here."

Joke # 5

What true friendship consists of depends on the temperament of the man
who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Jones, who
died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Mr. Tightwad was much
affected.You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked Tightwad.

Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true
friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough
he was starving to death.

Joke # 4

Another setback for World Bank president, Paul Wolfowitz's girlfriend Shaha Riza announced that she was resigning as Mr. Wolfowitz's girlfriend, effective immediately.

Joke # 3

Salesman:Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is
fool-proof.

Housewife: No doubt, to the ordinary man. But you
don't know my husband.

Joke # 2

This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense.Why do you say so?
Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who
are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

Joke # 1

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.